Ok, so you just got married and you’re staring down your newfound list of responsibilities. Or maybe you’ve been married for a while and are frustrated that things aren’t getting done! Or you’re burned out from doing too much of them. So what do we do?
First of all, grab your spouse! This activity requires both of you! We need to divvy up responsibilities.
Feel free to replace ‘spouse’ with your roommate(s) or family members if ‘spouse’ doesn’t apply to you.
Discuss Expectations
First, you should sit down with your spouse and discuss what your expectations are for each other. In your head, who is doing what? Who is taking out the trash? The dishes? Who pays the bills?
And who does your spouse think should do those things?
Really sit down and be open with each other about your expectations. Do you think they should be doing something because that’s how it was in your family? Was it different for them?
My husband and I both want to have a nice-looking yard. But when we were talking one day, I found out that he wanted me to be the one to do some gardening. His mom likes to garden, so in his mind, it made sense that I would do it too. And me? Well, I don’t like dirt!
So we still don’t have a garden. We’re still working on that one!
So go ahead and take some time to get on the same page with each other.
Now that you’ve got that out of the way…
Evaluate Each Other's Strengths
My husband and I were talking one day with a friend who commented that I wore the pants in the relationship. Why? Because I’m in charge of the money. Now, I know he was just joking, but the comment stuck with me. Because me being in charge of our finances has nothing to do with who the head of the household is.
The truth? I’m better with money than he is. So why would he be in charge of the money? That could be disastrous! (Ok ok, he’s not that bad).
So discuss what you and your spouse’s strength are. Then go with that! Maybe your husband is the better cook, and you’re a bad mama llama of a mechanic. So he cooks, and you take care of the vehicles. Do it!
Whoever can do a job best is the one who should be doing it.
But not every task requires a skill. Trust me, there’s no skill in taking out the trash. Which leads us to the next step.
Evaluate Schedules
Now that you’ve assigned tasks by each other’s strengths, the next thing to do is to look at each other’s schedules.
Does one of you work more than the other? Maybe one works full-time and the other part-time? In that case, I would recommend the part-time worker take on more, if not most, of the remaining tasks.
I do the dishes most of the time simply because I’m home more. No-one wants to come home from a long day of work only to be confronted by a chore list. So I happily take on more of the chores so that my husband and I can relax together when he gets home.
So if you’re home more, or your schedule is more flexible or less demanding, take on some of the other tasks to ease the burden on your spouse. This way it all kind of evens out.
Another way to do this is based on who is available when something needs to be done.
Maybe one of you gets home a little earlier than the other. In that case, it might be a good idea for the earlier arriver to cook dinner so you can eat together when the other gets home.
Or maybe your car needs new tires, but your spouse works during the shop’s hours of operation. In that case, you would do it.
So take a look at each of your schedules and do what makes sense for you! This won’t look the same for everyone.
By Enjoyment/Comfort
You can also divvy them up by comfort levels.
What do I mean by assigning a task based on enjoyment?
My mom, bless her, actually enjoys doing dishes! Crazy, I know.
If you’re like my mom and enjoy doing the dishes, then it makes sense for you to be the one doing them! Discuss what chores each of you enjoys and divvy them up that way.
When my husband and I first got married, we lived in a small apartment. We didn’t have individual trash cans. Instead, it was a dumpster shared by the entire apartment complex. The problem? We would often have people who would dig through the dumpster.
So you can imagine that taking out the trash wasn’t something I felt comfortable with. For that time in our lives together, my husband was in charge of taking out the trash.
Now that we live in our own house, taking the trash out isn’t a big deal, and I usually do it.
Or if you’re scared of bugs (*cough* totally me *cough*), but your spouse isn’t, then put them on bug control!
By using each of these steps, you and your spouse should have all of your adulting responsibilities divvied up and agreed upon. Now you don’t have to stress about who is going to pay the electricity bill!
Hurray for working utilities!
Keep It Going
Finally, be flexible and continue to discuss it with each other.
Just because you’re not the cook of the family, doesn’t mean you should never be the one to cook a meal.
And just because he’s not the finance guy, doesn’t mean that he never pays a bill.
Keeping an open discussion is so important to ensure that you’re both on the same page and that important things are being taken care of.
Also, things change. What works for you now may not work for you a year from now.
So keep that open discussion going, and be able to adapt.
And that does it! Take the time to do these steps, and you and your spouse should be well on your way to marital responsibility bliss!
Please comment below and let me know what you think!